Something we all struggle with is communication. We can never seem to keep up a level of social interaction that satisfies everyone, or much of anyone, or even ourselves. We look to those human whirlwinds of interaction, always sending letters and thank you cards and keeping up with everyone’s kids’ school projects and knowing whose birthday is next or what happened to that family who used to live in number four, and for some reason we feel inadequate in a way we don’t when confronting a star athlete, and we fumble and drop the ball. Paradoxically, one of the worst areas for this tends to be those closest to us. Especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed, we find ourselves drawing back from meaningful communications even as we wish we had someone to talk to. I’m not going to try to psychoanalyze the whole shebang to death right now but one thing I do know is that this has a lot to do with expectations. When we’re strained, we find it easier to ask the fishmonger how his wife’s knee is doing than we do so much as ringing up some members of our own family or closest circle of friends.
It’s all about expectations. That fish guy, or a work colleague you’re not really close with, and so on, is not, unlike your mother, your close friend, that bunch of guys you had so much fun with that summer, etc., going to expect you to remember what their specific biz is, and they aren’t going to remember your biz either. They’re not going to expect that as a person in that place in your life they "deserve" a specific amount of your attention, and they’re not going to level a neediness cannon at you if you fail to comply to their internal model. Possibly even more importantly, they’re not going to ask you about stuff maybe you don’t feel like talking about right now, something your friends or family or that one person are likely to bring up which to be honest, you’re so tired and distracted by your own junk right now, you’ll fucking scream if they bring it up again, but you’re too damned polite to say so.
And so it goes on. The longer you let it simmer, the worse it gets; the guilt at not checking in balances against the volume of material stacking up to be covered when you do and the likelihood of recriminations about the dry spell, the wish to speak to this person pushes against the weight of increasing time involvement as the need to prove your faithfulness escalates… damn it, you just want to talk to your friend about that thing that happened today but it’s been so long you’ll have to talk about all kinds of other shit first you’re not even in the mood for and you’ll come across as bitchy or disengaged and that’s not fair to the other person and oh for fuck’s sake. You know? And all you want is a bit of time for yourself this one time anyway.
I’m not going to tell you how to fix this. I’m a massive repeat offender or victim or however you want to frame it myself. What I am going to say is, things are different right now.
This is one of those Greater Times, this is an interlude of Absolute Upheaval of the Way Things Are. Our status quo is dying all around us. Right now, one of the most important things you can do for everyone is touch base with someone(s). Send a text, an e-mail, something in Messenger or Whatsapp, call, skywrite. Just say, “Hey, I was thinking about you. Sorry I’ve been out of touch and I really can’t get into that right now, but I wanted to take a sec to touch base with you and make sure you and yours are doing all right.”
That’s it. You don’t have to be more expansive. You don’t have to engage if they do, you don’t have to see it as an open door for them to ask you for favors, you can and should put that stuff right down by saying, “Hey, thanks for getting back to me. I’m sorry but I have a whole lot going on and can’t talk much right now, but I love you [am thinking about you, whatever] and when I have some breathing space I really want to catch up.” Aaaand… disengage.
I’m not saying you need to turn into some kind of communication-obsessed super-communicator and start a checklist of how often you contact whom or whatever. Just, if someone crosses your mind, drop them that line. I’ll bet it helps everybody.
Add comment
Comments